


All of me for you

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Angst, Body Shots, Emotional Baggage, Flirting, Guilt, M/M, Oral Sex, Past Character Death, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-21 08:54:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14912330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: Yamada, Yamada Ryosuke, was the kid’s name.“You can call me Ryo, if you like.” he had added, but Daiki had never dared something more intimate than ‘Yamada-kun’.





	All of me for you

Daiki knew he shouldn’t have gotten involved.

He knew it, and yet it there was something he had learnt on his skin, was that he was no good at resisting to temptations.

He had tried, for a while.

He had tried to tell himself he was just a kid, he had tried to tell him that he didn’t care much, and that it was likely that if he hadn't seen him anymore, he would've forgotten about him.

He had appeared one night at the club he used to go to, sitting next to him at the counter.

Arioka had ignored him, little interested to what went on around him, and he had kept doing so until the stranger had talked to him.

He couldn’t even remember what he had said, for sure something of completely uninteresting, something meant to start a conversation, which he had no intention to do.

He had ignored him and, finished his drink, he had gotten out, without thinking about him anymore.

He was there again, next night.

And the next one, and the one after that.

And he kept sitting next to him and talking, as if he was confident that if he had insisted enough than Daiki would've caved and would've said something.

And he had bene right.

They had started talking, one night when he had grown tired of ignoring him, and from there things had gone south.

Yamada, Yamada Ryosuke, was the kid’s name.

 _“You can call me Ryo, if you like.”_ he had added, but Daiki had never dared something more intimate than ‘Yamada-kun’.

Ryosuke had started telling him something about himself, talking about college, his friends, his family.

Arioka listened to him, feigning disinterest but feeling more and more curious about that persistent boy, showing so much attraction toward him.

It had been going on for a few weeks, and a few days before Yamada had started asking about him.

Daiki had always shrugged and told him that nothing in his life was worth talking about, but the other had never been convinced.

That night, then, things had definitely gotten out of hand.

They were walking on the street that from the club lead to the elder’s place.

They had drunk a little more than usual, and Ryosuke had insisted for them to get some fresh air, to cure that light feeling of numbness given by the alcohol.

He walked next to him, trying to keep up with his pace, and he still didn’t stop talking.

“Do you live alone, Dai-chan?” he asked, his hands in his pockets to protect them from the cold.

It was late; one in the morning, perhaps even later, but neither of them looked particularly tired.

Turning up his nose for the way the younger kept calling him, Daiki replied carefully.

“Yes. I’ve been living on my own since I’ve turned eighteen. I didn’t want to be a burden for my parents.” he explained, then he kept quiet, as he did every time the younger tried to shift the conversation on him.

But Ryosuke nodded, and acted casual.

They walked for a little while longer, and he spoke again.

“I can't imagine how your place might look. You’ve told me so little about yourself that I can't picture it at all. What does it look like?” he asked, with that curious expression that Daiki, even though he wasn’t willing to admit it, found incredibly beautiful.

He shrugged, unsure as to how to reply.

He had understood where this was going, definitely.

And he didn’t know what to do.

If on one hand he was dying to ask him to come over, on the other he tried to convince himself that he was the worst idea ever.

That was why he hadn't answered to him, at first, that was why he had desperately tried to ignore him. He had been scared about it coming to this, to him being too interested in the younger that he couldn’t deny him anything.

He brushed a hand over his face and jumped a little, as if realizing only then that they were in front of his building.

He took his keys out and started spinning them in his hand, thoughtful.

They stayed in silence for a while, and he saw the expectation on the younger’s face slowly turning into disappointment.

“Well... I better leave now. My place is kind of far from here, I wouldn’t want to be too...”

“Want to come up?” Daiki asked then, fast, as if he was afraid he was going to regret it.

And it was pointless, because he hadn't even finished saying it and he already felt the remorse digging its way into him, he already felt a vice around his heart telling him he shouldn’t have done that.

But he ignored that feeling and that guilt, because for too long he had forbidden to himself anything to ease the loneliness, and that night he had decided he deserved a few hours with Yamada.

The younger smiled openly to him, surprised.

“Thank you.” he just said, getting inside the building.

Arioka followed him, slowly, keeping his eyes low until they got into his apartment.

Ryosuke, without saying a word, started wandering throughout the living room and the kitchen, brushing a few objects, staring carefully at everything.

“I like it.” he stated then, and went close to him, smiling.

Daiki shrugged, heading toward the kitchen looking for something to drink, since he knew he was going to need it.

“It’s nothing much.” he said, pouring some sake in two glasses and handing one to him.

They drank quietly, looking at each other from time to time, trying to ignore the tension between them, while Daiki kept thinking about all he wished he could’ve done, and how he would've managed not to do it.

But Ryosuke didn’t give him much choice; he put his glass down on the counter, slowly getting closer and doing the same with his.

Then he brought a hand to his hip, caressing him slowly with a delicate stroke, his breathing slightly quickened, his eyes focused.

Daiki wanted to stop him.

He really wanted to, but... it was like his body wasn’t responding to his commands.

When the younger got even closer, pressing his lips against his own, he gave up struggling.

He brought his arms around his waist, deepening the kiss, hearing him moan at his response; he brought him to open his lips, letting his tongue meet the younger’s, tasting every single centimetre of that mouth, of that kiss, feeling like brought back to life by those feelings that he believed gone forever.

He stopped for a moment, his breath uneven, and stared at Yamada.

“I thought...” the younger began to say, blushing, then he smiled. “I thought you didn’t like me.” he said, biting his lip and getting closer again, giving a quick peck to his lips.

Daiki sighed, caressing his face slowly.

“I didn’t want to give you that impression. Or rather, I did, I...” he closed his eyes briefly, trying not to think too much about what he wanted to tell him. “Don’t talk, _Ryo_. Don’t ask, please.” he murmured, his hand on his neck, then going up to his hair, pulling on them to get him close again.

And Ryosuke had nothing else to say.

He kept still, quiet, while the elder brushed his throat with his lips, while he kissed his neck and bit it softly, pulling him even closer against him

Then Daiki grabbed the sake bottle and drank again, as if there were still traces of inhibition that he needed to chase away to allow himself to enjoy this, to forbid to his thoughts to stop him, because if he wanted to let go he had to do it right.

Yamada took advantage of that moment to take the reins back.

Pushing him against the counter, he brought his hands under his shirt, then he grabbed its hems and took it off of him, doing the same with his own.

He leant against him, kissing his chest and bending his knees, exploring his skin, tasting it, touching it; he playfully licked his nipple, chuckling of the elder’s moan, and then bit on it. He went lower, licking his navel and down to his groin.

He saw him take the bottle and drink again, with even more urge than before, but he wasn’t concerned.

He undid his pants’ button and the fly, pulling them down and raising his eyes on him while he freed him from the last clothes.

Daiki thrust his hips toward him, almost involuntarily, while the alcohol started to make the desired effect.

He wasn’t thinking, there was nothing wrong.

There was just Ryo, there in front of him, and his hands and his mouth, and the craving he felt for him.

He saw the younger bring his fingertips to his cock, merely to tease him, then he wrapped his hand around it, stroking it more firmly, leaning over and following the same path with his tongue.

Daiki closed his eyes, letting go to that feeling.

How long had it been since he had last felt this way?

He couldn’t deny it, he had wanted this.

Yamada turned him on, and the thought of them in this exact situation had haunted him for so long that now he couldn’t resist to that mouth’s ministrations.

Again, he pulled on his hair, again he intertwined his fingers between them, again he tightened his hold, perhaps even hurting him, and pushed further between his lips.

Yamada didn’t protest; he just adjusted to the pace, clawing his hips, moving his tongue while he let Daiki push inside as he pleased.

And Daiki did, and he kept restlessly thrusting inside that mouth and against that tongue, deeper and deeper, feeling Ryosuke’s throat close around the tip of his cock and losing control; he held his head even tighter, and keeping him still against himself he came inside his mouth.

It took Yamada a few more seconds to pull away, still kneeling on the floor and looking unsatisfied, while he tried to bring his breath back to normal.

Daiki didn’t waste time; he grabbed his hand, pulling him back up and kissing him, tasting himself inside his mouth.

He made him move back to the living room, then he turned him around and kissed his nape, caressing his hips and softly brushing his ass, before getting rid of the last clothes the younger still had on.

He took a small step back, ecstatic.

He was beautiful, to die for.

Beautiful like he would've never thought he would've seen again, not after...

He sighed, stopping that thought immediately.

He got back to him, brushing down his spine with his fingertips.

He tested his skin, he kissed it, unable to tear his eyes off of him.

He pushed on his shoulder, leading him to lay face first on the floor, kneeling next to him and kissing his neck.

“I’ll be right back.” he murmured in his ear, kissing him again, amused by the small shiver the younger had.

When he got back he had the bottle in his hands. He drank again and went back on his knees close to him, watching him.

Slowly, his fingers went back to the path down his back.

Slowly, he tilted the bottle over it, letting a trail of liquor flow down his spine, settling in the small of his back.

Then he lean on him, following the same trail with his tongue, tasting the liquor mixing with his skin, and doing the same thing over and over again, without understanding if the high was given by the alcohol or Ryosuke himself.

He knelt between his legs, pouring some more sake on his back and drinking from it once more time, while his hand sneaked between his buttocks, teasing his opening, letting one finger slip inside, while his tongue still distracted him.

And Yamada moaned and bit his lips, panting when he felt the elder’s fingers inside of him growing in number, writhing, wanting more.

“Daiki...” he whispered, his voice made huskier by arousal, pushing his hips back to meet his hand, giving him a clear hint.

Arioka nodded, setting the bottle aside, licking one last time down his back while he laid on top of him, opening his legs even more and starting to push inside, slowly.

He felt him twitch at the intrusion, and once he was fully inside he had to struggle to avoid moving right away.

That heat was unbelievable. The feeling of that body opening for him, under his movements, that arousal at the thought that he was finally taking him... those were all things Daiki had left behind himself, in a past he didn’t want to remember.

But now that he was living it all over again he wondered what had led him to deprive himself from it, and why it had been Ryosuke the one to attract him back to the game.

He just knew he wanted him, that he liked him, and that if he was going to regret this later, right now he was glad he had given in to temptation.

He started pushing inside, slowly.

He clawed his hips when the pace became faster, holding him and pulling him closer, trying to give him more, to comply with that silent request of his body to feel him deeper inside.

He bent his knees, pushing his hips up and bringing a hand to his cock, trying to stroke it at the same rhythm of his cock inside of him, feeling him tense under and around him when he finally came, rolling his head back and screaming his name.

He slowed down for a few moments, giving him time to recover and at the same time feeling more aroused when he heard that voice saying his name, so full of last, so taken by pleasure.

When he moved again, it didn’t last long; a few more thrusts and he came as well, emptying himself inside that tight body, biting his shoulder hard.

He collapsed on top of him, his breath too fast, kissing the spot he had bitten on and finding that his skin was salty.

He felt the need to cry, but he resisted it.

He didn’t want to, not now.

When they got back up, neither of them said a word.

Daiki led him to the bathroom; they got under the warm spray of the shower, together, still in silence.

Arioka didn’t want to talk, aware that whatever he may had said now would've just annulled his effort to avoid thinking.

And Ryosuke understood and accepted the silence, and Daiki was grateful to him for it.

He let him sleep with him that night, because somehow he felt like he owed it to him, and because he wanted to know what it felt like again.

“Thank you, Daiki.” Yamada whispered before he fell asleep, against him.

The elder didn’t reply, but when he was sure that the other wasn’t going to hear him, he finally fell asleep.

 

~

 

Daiki had been watching him for a few minutes, when the younger woke up.

He looked around for a moment, as if trying to understand where he was, but when he saw Arioka he smiled to him.

“Good morning.” he murmured, crawling on the bed to reach him, trying to kiss him.

The other, anyway, pushed him away.

His night, what he had allowed himself, was over.

Ryosuke looked confused, and sat in front of him.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, frowning.

“I’m sorry, Ryo. Perhaps last night I shouldn’t have... I didn’t want to lead you to believe that there could be something between us.” he saw him trying to interrupt, and raised a hand to ask him to let him go on. “I wish I could, really. I wish I could, because last night I’ve felt like I haven’t in a long time, perhaps like I never have, but I can't. I...” he sighed, brushing his face. “A few years ago I was in a relationship. I loved him, I loved him to the point of thinking I would've spent the rest of my life with him.” he started to say, finding that it hurt more than he would've imagined. “We used to work together. And I thought everything was fine between us, until one day he told me we needed to talk. We met on the rooftop of the building where we worked, and there...” he bit his lip, trying not to cry. He hated himself for how much that thought still made him suffer so much, he hated himself because he had never managed to go on, and because now he had to deny to Ryosuke something they both wanted. “He told me he was in love with someone else. That they had been seeing each other for months, that he couldn’t take it anymore. That he didn’t love me, and that he was happy with that other man, like he had never been.” he smiled, sad. “I’ve felt so stupid, Ryo. I would've done anything for Kei, I would've given my own life, and he…” he paused, shaking his head. “We started fighting. I yelled at him, I called him names, but then I told him I loved him and that he couldn’t break up with me. I wasn’t myself, I was blinded by anger. And then I pushed him and...” he felt a tear running down his face, but he didn’t bother drying it up. “And he fell down. It’s been an accident, I didn’t do it on purpose and nothing happened to me, but I’ve pushed. The man I loved is dead because of me.” he said, realizing that it was the first time he said that out loud.

Ryo had kept listening to him, holding his breath, his eyes wide open.

He got closer again, slowly bringing his hand to his arm and caressing him, afraid he was going to be rejected again.

“But... it’s in the past, Daiki. It’s been an accident, you can't blame yourself for...”

“I was happy, can't you see that?” the elder yelled, pushing his hand away. “I didn’t do it on purpose, but I was glad he was dead. I thought he deserved it for having hurt me, for letting me believe he loved him, because I had loved him so much I had annulled myself for him. I was glad he was dead, and I’ve been glad until the nightmares have started, and when I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror, until I’ve started being sick at myself for what had happened, and because I had dared to think that it was fair.” he took a deep breath, holding back the sobs. “For those few minutes, I’ve hated Kei, I really have. And then I’ve exchanged that hatred with what I feel for myself, because it’s easier this way. Because sadness and pain are the opposite of hatred, and if I can still feel disgusted by the way I’ve felt back then, I will never be forced to suffer because he died at my hand.” he explained again, then he paused, trying to catch his breath. “I can't love anyone, Ryo. Not even you, not even if I want to. I loved Kei and I killed him, and I’ve relished in his death. There’s nothing more I deserve from life.” he murmured in the end, without daring to look the younger in the eyes.

By the corner of his eye, he saw him get up. And he saw him get dressed, with an unreal slowness, as if meanwhile he was trying to think about what he had just heard.

“It’s not what you deserve, Daiki.” he heard him murmur then, on the doorframe. “It’s just the punishment you’ve chosen to suffocate your guilt.” he said, getting out of the room once he realized the elder wasn’t going to answer.

Daiki felt his heart breaking.

He felt as if someone else had died, as if he himself was dead, letting go of his last chance to get out of that limbo he had created.

Ryosuke’s words echoed in his mind, and he couldn’t decide whether he was right or not.

Hating himself and being forbidden to love was his punishment, it was true.

But Ryosuke didn’t know what it meant to lose the person he loved, see them disappear forever and smile in front of their death.

He didn’t know what it meant to leave with the constant fear of being unable to love anyone else, because he was scared of his own hands.

Ryosuke didn’t know that, if Daiki had let him go, it was because he was scared he could’ve hurt him someday, even just by mistake.

This time, Daiki was going to give up on hatred, because he wasn’t going to take any more excuses to pretend he was alright.

He was going to suffer, because it was the only thing he truly deserved.


End file.
